Happy New Year, Love!

Spending the last few hours of the year to come up with something decent to say. This will be the last of my many ramblings to you, at least the last that I'll ever show you.

I will never be a part of your life anymore. A little harsh, I think. I don't really think I deserve that, do I? But I guess we make our own decisions and I guess this is yours. I want to be bitter about it and rant about how after everything, this is how we will part ways. I'm not sure if it should make me mad or make me laugh. It's just the weirdest most tragic ending ever.

You know, I haven't cried yet. Maybe I will one morning when you visit me in my dreams and remind me of how things could have been. I'm sad though. Actually wait I'm not.. I'm devastated. I thought we would be better than this but then again I've always had the worst judgment in men so I shouldn't be surprised, should I?

So, I just want to say for the last time that I am grateful for everything that you have been for me this year. I also wanted to thank you for everything you have shared with me. Your thoughts, ideas, stories, family and everything else in between. It was quite an experience, I must say. It wasn't just a roller coaster ride. It was the whole amusement park. I wish it would have ended differently though. I wish we could have at least stayed friends. Despite the bullshit, I thought/think we both deserve that at the very least.

I am also very sorry for everything that I did that made you this angry. I am sorry I drove you to the point where you can't even be friends with me. No matter what happened or will happen, I will never want to purposely make you uncomfortable or upset. I know I messed up. I will admit that but I hope someday you will look past my mistakes and remember who I am beyond the mistakes I made. As much as my wrong choices sometimes make me unrecognizable, I am still the same person you knew then.

You and I, we were something else. We were everything. I don't think I'll ever be able to ever forget that. Ever. But all the most unforgettable stories are always tragedies, ours included.

I hope one day I will see you again and you will flash me that smile of yours that always melts my heart everytime. I hope when that day comes it will no longer hurt. I hope the day will when missing you won't be as painful as it is now. I hope for you too. I hope you wake up one day and not feel so ill of me anymore and I hope one day you'll wake up with a mood good enough to want to be friends with me again.

I wish you well, love. I will always always want you to be happy. I will always want you to feel loved and accepted. If it's not by me then I hope it is by someone who will do more than I can to make sure you never doubt. Someone who will do more than I did. Despite everything, you still deserve the world. You still deserve to be happy. To be loved. To be understood. I'm sorry I didn't do enough to do that for you.

I'll probably still be missing you for awhile. I wish there was a switch button to just turn everything off but this isn't a movie and we don't have a script to follow to know which way to go. I'm not even sure this message is a good idea. But I am a little stuck at the moment. I'm still trying to let everything sink in so I can accept things and finally (FINALLY) really move on. I'm not entirely okay yet but I will be after awhile. I am not bitter about anything. I have learned to accept things as they are. It is what it is. It was what it was. I wouldn't trade you or that experience for the world. I felt so much and learned so much in that period of time and I want to think I am better because of it all.

I am going around in circles. I apologize if I lack cohesion. I feel there is too much to say and not enough to say at the same time. I want to believe you still know me enough to understand what I want to say. But I think I have to stop now. I think I've said too much. It's thought vomit. I'm all over the place. Figuratively and literally (although I'm never admitting that).

Anyway, good luck with everything, love. You are destined for greatness. I hope you never underestimate the light, strength and intelligence you have inside you. Don't waste it. Reach for the stars. You deserve every one of them. Know that I will always be missing you everyday and rooting for you from the sidelines.


Always with love,

-A.


P.S.

Insert musical cue *Heart wants what it wants by Selena Gomez*
It's cheesy and lame. I know. But so what?

Even cynics have a soft spot they will deny about..

I know you're NOT busy and you're purposely not replying to me. I just wanted to say that this isn't easy for me..it was never easy..not that i want it easy because i dont.. What i'm getting at is that i hope we become okay so it won't have to be THAT hard anymore. Everyday is a struggle and we both find ways to make it easier than it seems and we probably convince ourselves on some days that we're okay. We go about our lives like everything is alright and everyone stops asking questions after awhile because that is how far we have convinced them on how we are and there are times we believe that to be true too.

Then there are days when we take time for ourselves to relax and have some ME time to reward ourselves of the hard work we've been putting in. We are given a little free time to clear our minds from all the stress but what was originally time to feel better will only make us feel worse. Time alone will get us thinking of things we worked so hard to be distracted from. It will bring back all the shit we tried to bury in the back of our minds and it will spark that flame in our hearts that we thought has already died down.

Who are we kidding? You and I no matter how far or how long it's been will always be the same You and I that one June night. You and I will always have that chemistry that is easier than the sluttiest slut we know. We are effortlessly beautiful, love. No matter how hard we deny it or fight it, we will lose because there is no winning against what the universe has set up. 

The cynic in me doesn't believe in fairytales and all that destiny bullshit but the hopeless romantic in me believes in you. It still believes in us. We don't have a fairytale story and we won't ever have one. We're both too dysfunctional and complicated to have one. But i do know we have a great story. A story that will never truly have an ending because it will be the kind that will continue on regardless if we end up together or not. It will either make us the happiest we can ever be in this life or it will haunt us eternally. 

I don't really know if you feel the same way. I am assuming that you are. Somewhere deep inside me believes that you do but I don't want to sound so sure because I could be wrong. The possibility that I could be wrong about this is there but the possibility of me being right is there too and we both know that I'm rarely ever wrong about these things.

 You're still an asshole for being such a dick to me and I am still furious of how you allowed for things to get out of hand like you did but I am still the same bitch of a girl who misses you and longs for you despite all the shit that has happened.