Promises are made to be broken..

I hate how i try so hard to keep my promises. I really really really want to break the last promise I gave you. I want to talk to you so bad. I get by on most days but some days it gets really bad especially the ones that starts with waking up from a dream of you. Tonight, I have to study for one of the most difficult exams this semester and tonight is one of the nights when I can't get off of my head. I have this need to hear your words to tell me to calm down because I got this.. It seems I don't trust myself enough if I say those words. It has to come from you for me to believe it's true.

I wish I can say things are getting better or it's getting easier but I can't. Missing you never stops. Not even for a day. It's always just there lurking in the corner no matter how hard I push it behind my mind.

I've decided to have a more positive outlook in life this year. Good vibes all the way. It has been working so far. I've made amends with some loose ends and I've cut ties with the others. Things have been looking up, I should say. The only thing missing is you.

I want to say I'm getting used to not having you around but I think I'd be lying if I did. I've gotten better in hiding how devastated I am about losing you. People can't tell how I have sleepless nights not because of studying but because of all the thinking of you. They don't ask me how I am anymore because from what they see, I seem okay. That is the plan after all..to make people stop asking questions and to move on with their lives and to just leave me alone.

So here I am. Still stuck. Oblivious to what I should do. This spark of hope in me just doesn't seem to want to die. It just keeps burning and burning no matter what tidal wave comes its way. I am no match to my own heart. It has a mind of its own that has reasons that even reason don't understand.
With this, I surrender my all to the universe. I don't know what to do so I'm just going to let things
take its course and see where it leads me. I hope it is to you..because after all is said and done..when the smoke is clear..It's always going to be you.

Drowning.

I can't breathe. I feel like the other organs in my chest has suddenly expanded and are taking up the space of where my heart is supposed to be. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel the water rising as I slowly and torturously sink into oblivion.

I want to come up for air. I am trying to. But there is too much water. The force pulling me down is too strong for me to overcome. I don't know if I'm going to make it. I won't know how to.

I don't want to talk about it. I already know what you're going to say. You're going to say it's for the best. That i don't deserve this. That I should move on. That I did what I could. That there is nothing to do. Take it one day at a time.

I know. I know. I know.

That's all bullshit. It's all true but it's all bullshit.

This whole process. This growing up thing. This whole learning experience. It is bullshit.

I'm already a good enough person. I am not THAT bad for the universe to find it necessary for me to become a better person. I do not need this heavy of a weight for me to know what light feels like. I already know the difference between sadness and happiness and I know how to appreciate both. I have already been through this before. More than once, i should say.

But here I am, again.

I never learn, you say?

What am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to change the way I open my heart and love a person? Am I supposed to half-ass love to make sure I stay whole? Does the love of my life deserve such reservation?

If handing my heart to the man I love is wrong. If baring my soul to him and giving him my body is a mistake. If spilling out my guts and giving him my time is not the right way. If listening to him and making him make his own mistakes is not the right option. If letting him be himself and accepting his darkest secrets and forgiving him for his bad choices and allowing him to grow on his own is not the right way to love then I must be the most wrong person in the world.

I do not see any other way to show someone he is as beautiful as he is by making him feel he deserves the world and he deserves the whole of me. I cannot fathom how other people could put themselves first before the ones they love. How can you not give your all when you know you can? I don't know how someone can stop herself from doing something that can make him smile just because it doesn't seem right?

I'm stubborn. I think that is well-established. Unless I am convinced there is a better way to love than this then this is how I will always be. To me, there is no such thing as too much. It's always too little. There is always something more to give.

It is true what they say, it is both a blessing and a curse to feel so deeply. To be able to feel happiness to your core and  to be able to experience pain in every corner of your body.


Don't worry, I'll be fine. I never really know how to learn from these things but I'll be fine. This can happen a million times over and I'll still be fine. I am drowning but I'll be fine.

Pointless.

Finding comfort in other people can only do so much when it is your voice that I need to hear.