Drowning.

I can't breathe. I feel like the other organs in my chest has suddenly expanded and are taking up the space of where my heart is supposed to be. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel the water rising as I slowly and torturously sink into oblivion.

I want to come up for air. I am trying to. But there is too much water. The force pulling me down is too strong for me to overcome. I don't know if I'm going to make it. I won't know how to.

I don't want to talk about it. I already know what you're going to say. You're going to say it's for the best. That i don't deserve this. That I should move on. That I did what I could. That there is nothing to do. Take it one day at a time.

I know. I know. I know.

That's all bullshit. It's all true but it's all bullshit.

This whole process. This growing up thing. This whole learning experience. It is bullshit.

I'm already a good enough person. I am not THAT bad for the universe to find it necessary for me to become a better person. I do not need this heavy of a weight for me to know what light feels like. I already know the difference between sadness and happiness and I know how to appreciate both. I have already been through this before. More than once, i should say.

But here I am, again.

I never learn, you say?

What am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to change the way I open my heart and love a person? Am I supposed to half-ass love to make sure I stay whole? Does the love of my life deserve such reservation?

If handing my heart to the man I love is wrong. If baring my soul to him and giving him my body is a mistake. If spilling out my guts and giving him my time is not the right way. If listening to him and making him make his own mistakes is not the right option. If letting him be himself and accepting his darkest secrets and forgiving him for his bad choices and allowing him to grow on his own is not the right way to love then I must be the most wrong person in the world.

I do not see any other way to show someone he is as beautiful as he is by making him feel he deserves the world and he deserves the whole of me. I cannot fathom how other people could put themselves first before the ones they love. How can you not give your all when you know you can? I don't know how someone can stop herself from doing something that can make him smile just because it doesn't seem right?

I'm stubborn. I think that is well-established. Unless I am convinced there is a better way to love than this then this is how I will always be. To me, there is no such thing as too much. It's always too little. There is always something more to give.

It is true what they say, it is both a blessing and a curse to feel so deeply. To be able to feel happiness to your core and  to be able to experience pain in every corner of your body.


Don't worry, I'll be fine. I never really know how to learn from these things but I'll be fine. This can happen a million times over and I'll still be fine. I am drowning but I'll be fine.