Promises are made to be broken..

I hate how i try so hard to keep my promises. I really really really want to break the last promise I gave you. I want to talk to you so bad. I get by on most days but some days it gets really bad especially the ones that starts with waking up from a dream of you. Tonight, I have to study for one of the most difficult exams this semester and tonight is one of the nights when I can't get off of my head. I have this need to hear your words to tell me to calm down because I got this.. It seems I don't trust myself enough if I say those words. It has to come from you for me to believe it's true.

I wish I can say things are getting better or it's getting easier but I can't. Missing you never stops. Not even for a day. It's always just there lurking in the corner no matter how hard I push it behind my mind.

I've decided to have a more positive outlook in life this year. Good vibes all the way. It has been working so far. I've made amends with some loose ends and I've cut ties with the others. Things have been looking up, I should say. The only thing missing is you.

I want to say I'm getting used to not having you around but I think I'd be lying if I did. I've gotten better in hiding how devastated I am about losing you. People can't tell how I have sleepless nights not because of studying but because of all the thinking of you. They don't ask me how I am anymore because from what they see, I seem okay. That is the plan after all..to make people stop asking questions and to move on with their lives and to just leave me alone.

So here I am. Still stuck. Oblivious to what I should do. This spark of hope in me just doesn't seem to want to die. It just keeps burning and burning no matter what tidal wave comes its way. I am no match to my own heart. It has a mind of its own that has reasons that even reason don't understand.
With this, I surrender my all to the universe. I don't know what to do so I'm just going to let things
take its course and see where it leads me. I hope it is to you..because after all is said and done..when the smoke is clear..It's always going to be you.

Drowning.

I can't breathe. I feel like the other organs in my chest has suddenly expanded and are taking up the space of where my heart is supposed to be. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel the water rising as I slowly and torturously sink into oblivion.

I want to come up for air. I am trying to. But there is too much water. The force pulling me down is too strong for me to overcome. I don't know if I'm going to make it. I won't know how to.

I don't want to talk about it. I already know what you're going to say. You're going to say it's for the best. That i don't deserve this. That I should move on. That I did what I could. That there is nothing to do. Take it one day at a time.

I know. I know. I know.

That's all bullshit. It's all true but it's all bullshit.

This whole process. This growing up thing. This whole learning experience. It is bullshit.

I'm already a good enough person. I am not THAT bad for the universe to find it necessary for me to become a better person. I do not need this heavy of a weight for me to know what light feels like. I already know the difference between sadness and happiness and I know how to appreciate both. I have already been through this before. More than once, i should say.

But here I am, again.

I never learn, you say?

What am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to change the way I open my heart and love a person? Am I supposed to half-ass love to make sure I stay whole? Does the love of my life deserve such reservation?

If handing my heart to the man I love is wrong. If baring my soul to him and giving him my body is a mistake. If spilling out my guts and giving him my time is not the right way. If listening to him and making him make his own mistakes is not the right option. If letting him be himself and accepting his darkest secrets and forgiving him for his bad choices and allowing him to grow on his own is not the right way to love then I must be the most wrong person in the world.

I do not see any other way to show someone he is as beautiful as he is by making him feel he deserves the world and he deserves the whole of me. I cannot fathom how other people could put themselves first before the ones they love. How can you not give your all when you know you can? I don't know how someone can stop herself from doing something that can make him smile just because it doesn't seem right?

I'm stubborn. I think that is well-established. Unless I am convinced there is a better way to love than this then this is how I will always be. To me, there is no such thing as too much. It's always too little. There is always something more to give.

It is true what they say, it is both a blessing and a curse to feel so deeply. To be able to feel happiness to your core and  to be able to experience pain in every corner of your body.


Don't worry, I'll be fine. I never really know how to learn from these things but I'll be fine. This can happen a million times over and I'll still be fine. I am drowning but I'll be fine.

Pointless.

Finding comfort in other people can only do so much when it is your voice that I need to hear.

Happy New Year, Love!

Spending the last few hours of the year to come up with something decent to say. This will be the last of my many ramblings to you, at least the last that I'll ever show you.

I will never be a part of your life anymore. A little harsh, I think. I don't really think I deserve that, do I? But I guess we make our own decisions and I guess this is yours. I want to be bitter about it and rant about how after everything, this is how we will part ways. I'm not sure if it should make me mad or make me laugh. It's just the weirdest most tragic ending ever.

You know, I haven't cried yet. Maybe I will one morning when you visit me in my dreams and remind me of how things could have been. I'm sad though. Actually wait I'm not.. I'm devastated. I thought we would be better than this but then again I've always had the worst judgment in men so I shouldn't be surprised, should I?

So, I just want to say for the last time that I am grateful for everything that you have been for me this year. I also wanted to thank you for everything you have shared with me. Your thoughts, ideas, stories, family and everything else in between. It was quite an experience, I must say. It wasn't just a roller coaster ride. It was the whole amusement park. I wish it would have ended differently though. I wish we could have at least stayed friends. Despite the bullshit, I thought/think we both deserve that at the very least.

I am also very sorry for everything that I did that made you this angry. I am sorry I drove you to the point where you can't even be friends with me. No matter what happened or will happen, I will never want to purposely make you uncomfortable or upset. I know I messed up. I will admit that but I hope someday you will look past my mistakes and remember who I am beyond the mistakes I made. As much as my wrong choices sometimes make me unrecognizable, I am still the same person you knew then.

You and I, we were something else. We were everything. I don't think I'll ever be able to ever forget that. Ever. But all the most unforgettable stories are always tragedies, ours included.

I hope one day I will see you again and you will flash me that smile of yours that always melts my heart everytime. I hope when that day comes it will no longer hurt. I hope the day will when missing you won't be as painful as it is now. I hope for you too. I hope you wake up one day and not feel so ill of me anymore and I hope one day you'll wake up with a mood good enough to want to be friends with me again.

I wish you well, love. I will always always want you to be happy. I will always want you to feel loved and accepted. If it's not by me then I hope it is by someone who will do more than I can to make sure you never doubt. Someone who will do more than I did. Despite everything, you still deserve the world. You still deserve to be happy. To be loved. To be understood. I'm sorry I didn't do enough to do that for you.

I'll probably still be missing you for awhile. I wish there was a switch button to just turn everything off but this isn't a movie and we don't have a script to follow to know which way to go. I'm not even sure this message is a good idea. But I am a little stuck at the moment. I'm still trying to let everything sink in so I can accept things and finally (FINALLY) really move on. I'm not entirely okay yet but I will be after awhile. I am not bitter about anything. I have learned to accept things as they are. It is what it is. It was what it was. I wouldn't trade you or that experience for the world. I felt so much and learned so much in that period of time and I want to think I am better because of it all.

I am going around in circles. I apologize if I lack cohesion. I feel there is too much to say and not enough to say at the same time. I want to believe you still know me enough to understand what I want to say. But I think I have to stop now. I think I've said too much. It's thought vomit. I'm all over the place. Figuratively and literally (although I'm never admitting that).

Anyway, good luck with everything, love. You are destined for greatness. I hope you never underestimate the light, strength and intelligence you have inside you. Don't waste it. Reach for the stars. You deserve every one of them. Know that I will always be missing you everyday and rooting for you from the sidelines.


Always with love,

-A.


P.S.

Insert musical cue *Heart wants what it wants by Selena Gomez*
It's cheesy and lame. I know. But so what?

Even cynics have a soft spot they will deny about..

I know you're NOT busy and you're purposely not replying to me. I just wanted to say that this isn't easy for me..it was never easy..not that i want it easy because i dont.. What i'm getting at is that i hope we become okay so it won't have to be THAT hard anymore. Everyday is a struggle and we both find ways to make it easier than it seems and we probably convince ourselves on some days that we're okay. We go about our lives like everything is alright and everyone stops asking questions after awhile because that is how far we have convinced them on how we are and there are times we believe that to be true too.

Then there are days when we take time for ourselves to relax and have some ME time to reward ourselves of the hard work we've been putting in. We are given a little free time to clear our minds from all the stress but what was originally time to feel better will only make us feel worse. Time alone will get us thinking of things we worked so hard to be distracted from. It will bring back all the shit we tried to bury in the back of our minds and it will spark that flame in our hearts that we thought has already died down.

Who are we kidding? You and I no matter how far or how long it's been will always be the same You and I that one June night. You and I will always have that chemistry that is easier than the sluttiest slut we know. We are effortlessly beautiful, love. No matter how hard we deny it or fight it, we will lose because there is no winning against what the universe has set up. 

The cynic in me doesn't believe in fairytales and all that destiny bullshit but the hopeless romantic in me believes in you. It still believes in us. We don't have a fairytale story and we won't ever have one. We're both too dysfunctional and complicated to have one. But i do know we have a great story. A story that will never truly have an ending because it will be the kind that will continue on regardless if we end up together or not. It will either make us the happiest we can ever be in this life or it will haunt us eternally. 

I don't really know if you feel the same way. I am assuming that you are. Somewhere deep inside me believes that you do but I don't want to sound so sure because I could be wrong. The possibility that I could be wrong about this is there but the possibility of me being right is there too and we both know that I'm rarely ever wrong about these things.

 You're still an asshole for being such a dick to me and I am still furious of how you allowed for things to get out of hand like you did but I am still the same bitch of a girl who misses you and longs for you despite all the shit that has happened. 

Clueless

You don’t get it do you? You don’t get how hard it is to miss you. You don’t get how it is to be the kind of person who feels everything so deeply. To feel emotions exponentially multiplied into something that makes it so difficult to bear that you almost stop breathing. I cannot count how many times I had to remind myself I had to continue breathing because my body’s default breathing system gets messed up by all these emotions.

“I miss you terribly” doesn’t even begin to describe what I’m going through. My goal every single day is always the same: To not think about you. I have yet to experience a day where I achieve that goal. It doesn’t take a lot to trigger thoughts of you and most times I don’t even need a trigger. And it isn’t just my brain that has gone off the rails. My heart is in an even worse condition. And these two, although they don’t always get along, have their moments when they both decide to go all erratic and wild.

Case in point: Any story I hear or see that remotely resembles one that is of love, I think of you. That single thought will make a domino effect of thoughts that will take so much energy and distraction to stop. All it takes is that split second of relapse to suck me in the vortex that is you. My heart, on the other hand, simultaneously goes berserk. It goes into a panic, it explodes, it skips a beat and it stops beating all at the same time. How it can do all that, at one time, will forever remain a question I cannot answer but I am telling you it is possible. 

The Boy With The Shining Tattoo (An Excerpt)

One message received.

 It was him.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to know what he had to say. Not after everything I said. Not after I pushed him away so abruptly.

“Belle, I’m here for you”, it said

And that was enough for tears to start rolling down my cheeks.

I was in over my head with this one. I knew the possibilities and I don’t think I’m ready for it. I finally met a good man; the kind that any parent would want their child to be with. He had his flaws and his quirks but he was nothing less than great. He wasn’t exactly what I was looking for but he might be exactly who I have been waiting for.

But I’m scared. I’m scared that it might not work. I’m scared for it to only be temporary. I’m scared I might mess it up. I’m scared to get hurt. I’m scared I might hurt him. I’m just scared. I feel like I’m too broken for him. I’ve got too many issues and too much baggage for him to handle. I just don’t think it’s fair. He shouldn’t have to deal with so much, right?

When you’ve felt so much pain, loss and betrayal it is impossible to remain unscarred and unscathed. I am no exception. I am more damaged than I care to admit and more wounded than anyone care to see. It has become difficult for me to trust anyone including myself. I have become a cynic who leaves before she is left. I have built a wall that is too difficult to destroy and when anyone gets close to getting the job done, I run.

I still believe in love but I also believe it’s not for me. I like seeing couples together and seeing them happy but I’ve also come to accept that, that isn’t going to happen to me and I’m fine with that. Really. I am.

Well, at least I was. I was until I met him. We had the most unusual relationship. It was definitely not something I was used to. He wasn’t my type after all. He was the exact opposite. I liked bad boys but that’s exactly what they were and here comes a good guy and I don’t exactly have a clue what to do about it.. and because I’m so clueless guess what I end up doing? Pushing him away.

“You’re such a hypocrite.” Those were the words of my best friend, Summer, that was ringing in my ears. If anyone knew how to show me tough love, it was her.

“You’ve always been this hopeless romantic girl who secretly cries while watching sappy movies. You read in between the lines of all the love songs you hear and you root for cute couples to last. You want to love and you’re waiting for the right guy. You’ve loved too many assholes that you can’t even tell when you’ve got a good guy staring at you in the face. This guy loves you Belle. I can tell he does..but you have to let him do just that. You have to allow him to. You can’t push everyone away just because you know he can hurt you. I know you say you’re fine being alone and I believe you but I don’t believe you don’t want to be loved. You do. Deep down you know it and I know it. You’re just in denial. Being scared won’t get you anywhere. Do you really think pushing him away won’t hurt you? Well, it won’t. One day you’ll look back on this day and wonder what could have been and what might have been and I promise you, you will regret not giving this a chance. You’re ending something that hasn’t even begun yet. No one can promise you it will work but if you don’t try then you will never find out. You’re a strong girl. You always were and being scared like this is so unlike you. You are the one who always tells me to risk it all well hunny, it’s your time to risk it all. If it doesn’t work out then I’ll be the first to knock on your door with a tub of ice cream, an extra large pizza and a six-pack  and if it does work..well, I’ll be the first to be happy for you because you deserve it. Besides, if h hurts you I am going to hunt that motherfucker down and kick his nuts!”

Ofcourse Summer was right. She always was and she always knew what I needed to hear and what I needed to do. I’ve just been too stubborn to admit it.

I used to be so optimistic and if this happened  a few years ago I think I would have been braver to take the chance. I probably would have taken the leap a long time ago without hesitation but so much has changed. I changed that I don’t know what to do anymore. This great guy deserved more. More than what I think I can give him. He knows how twisted and messed up I am but he is still sticking around promising to there for me when I need him. He’s a great guy but if he still wants to be with me after everything then he must be as twisted as I am. Lucky me.

I picked up my phone and searched for his name. “I think I should call him”, I told myself but all I could do was stare at his contact photo and smile. He really was something else. If he was a twisted guy who wanted to join in on my messy life then who am I to stop him? He’s a grown man. He can make his own choices. Why the hell am I making it for him by cutting him off?

Making that phone call would change everything. At least to me, it will. It means I’m going to open up and let him. To let him try to be there for me like he says he will. It means I am going to allow myself to feel things that may end up hurting me in the end. It means I’m giving him a chance. It means I’m allowing myself to test the waters. It means I’m allowing the universe to work whether it’s for the best or the worse. It means I am risking it all and not caring what the outcome will be. It means I am hella scared but I’m going to take the leap anyway.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and dialed his number.

He answered on the 3^rd ring “Hello Belle?”

He sounded worried.

I said, “Yes, Hello”

We were both silent. Tears started to roll down my cheeks for the second time that day but this time I had a smile to go along with it.