The Boy With The Shining Tattoo (An Excerpt)

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 It was him.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to know what he had to say. Not after everything I said. Not after I pushed him away so abruptly.

“Belle, I’m here for you”, it said

And that was enough for tears to start rolling down my cheeks.

I was in over my head with this one. I knew the possibilities and I don’t think I’m ready for it. I finally met a good man; the kind that any parent would want their child to be with. He had his flaws and his quirks but he was nothing less than great. He wasn’t exactly what I was looking for but he might be exactly who I have been waiting for.

But I’m scared. I’m scared that it might not work. I’m scared for it to only be temporary. I’m scared I might mess it up. I’m scared to get hurt. I’m scared I might hurt him. I’m just scared. I feel like I’m too broken for him. I’ve got too many issues and too much baggage for him to handle. I just don’t think it’s fair. He shouldn’t have to deal with so much, right?

When you’ve felt so much pain, loss and betrayal it is impossible to remain unscarred and unscathed. I am no exception. I am more damaged than I care to admit and more wounded than anyone care to see. It has become difficult for me to trust anyone including myself. I have become a cynic who leaves before she is left. I have built a wall that is too difficult to destroy and when anyone gets close to getting the job done, I run.

I still believe in love but I also believe it’s not for me. I like seeing couples together and seeing them happy but I’ve also come to accept that, that isn’t going to happen to me and I’m fine with that. Really. I am.

Well, at least I was. I was until I met him. We had the most unusual relationship. It was definitely not something I was used to. He wasn’t my type after all. He was the exact opposite. I liked bad boys but that’s exactly what they were and here comes a good guy and I don’t exactly have a clue what to do about it.. and because I’m so clueless guess what I end up doing? Pushing him away.

“You’re such a hypocrite.” Those were the words of my best friend, Summer, that was ringing in my ears. If anyone knew how to show me tough love, it was her.

“You’ve always been this hopeless romantic girl who secretly cries while watching sappy movies. You read in between the lines of all the love songs you hear and you root for cute couples to last. You want to love and you’re waiting for the right guy. You’ve loved too many assholes that you can’t even tell when you’ve got a good guy staring at you in the face. This guy loves you Belle. I can tell he does..but you have to let him do just that. You have to allow him to. You can’t push everyone away just because you know he can hurt you. I know you say you’re fine being alone and I believe you but I don’t believe you don’t want to be loved. You do. Deep down you know it and I know it. You’re just in denial. Being scared won’t get you anywhere. Do you really think pushing him away won’t hurt you? Well, it won’t. One day you’ll look back on this day and wonder what could have been and what might have been and I promise you, you will regret not giving this a chance. You’re ending something that hasn’t even begun yet. No one can promise you it will work but if you don’t try then you will never find out. You’re a strong girl. You always were and being scared like this is so unlike you. You are the one who always tells me to risk it all well hunny, it’s your time to risk it all. If it doesn’t work out then I’ll be the first to knock on your door with a tub of ice cream, an extra large pizza and a six-pack  and if it does work..well, I’ll be the first to be happy for you because you deserve it. Besides, if h hurts you I am going to hunt that motherfucker down and kick his nuts!”

Ofcourse Summer was right. She always was and she always knew what I needed to hear and what I needed to do. I’ve just been too stubborn to admit it.

I used to be so optimistic and if this happened  a few years ago I think I would have been braver to take the chance. I probably would have taken the leap a long time ago without hesitation but so much has changed. I changed that I don’t know what to do anymore. This great guy deserved more. More than what I think I can give him. He knows how twisted and messed up I am but he is still sticking around promising to there for me when I need him. He’s a great guy but if he still wants to be with me after everything then he must be as twisted as I am. Lucky me.

I picked up my phone and searched for his name. “I think I should call him”, I told myself but all I could do was stare at his contact photo and smile. He really was something else. If he was a twisted guy who wanted to join in on my messy life then who am I to stop him? He’s a grown man. He can make his own choices. Why the hell am I making it for him by cutting him off?

Making that phone call would change everything. At least to me, it will. It means I’m going to open up and let him. To let him try to be there for me like he says he will. It means I am going to allow myself to feel things that may end up hurting me in the end. It means I’m giving him a chance. It means I’m allowing myself to test the waters. It means I’m allowing the universe to work whether it’s for the best or the worse. It means I am risking it all and not caring what the outcome will be. It means I am hella scared but I’m going to take the leap anyway.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and dialed his number.

He answered on the 3^rd ring “Hello Belle?”

He sounded worried.

I said, “Yes, Hello”

We were both silent. Tears started to roll down my cheeks for the second time that day but this time I had a smile to go along with it.