The Boy With The Shining Tattoo (An Excerpt)

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 It was him.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to know what he had to say. Not after everything I said. Not after I pushed him away so abruptly.

“Belle, I’m here for you”, it said

And that was enough for tears to start rolling down my cheeks.

I was in over my head with this one. I knew the possibilities and I don’t think I’m ready for it. I finally met a good man; the kind that any parent would want their child to be with. He had his flaws and his quirks but he was nothing less than great. He wasn’t exactly what I was looking for but he might be exactly who I have been waiting for.

But I’m scared. I’m scared that it might not work. I’m scared for it to only be temporary. I’m scared I might mess it up. I’m scared to get hurt. I’m scared I might hurt him. I’m just scared. I feel like I’m too broken for him. I’ve got too many issues and too much baggage for him to handle. I just don’t think it’s fair. He shouldn’t have to deal with so much, right?

When you’ve felt so much pain, loss and betrayal it is impossible to remain unscarred and unscathed. I am no exception. I am more damaged than I care to admit and more wounded than anyone care to see. It has become difficult for me to trust anyone including myself. I have become a cynic who leaves before she is left. I have built a wall that is too difficult to destroy and when anyone gets close to getting the job done, I run.

I still believe in love but I also believe it’s not for me. I like seeing couples together and seeing them happy but I’ve also come to accept that, that isn’t going to happen to me and I’m fine with that. Really. I am.

Well, at least I was. I was until I met him. We had the most unusual relationship. It was definitely not something I was used to. He wasn’t my type after all. He was the exact opposite. I liked bad boys but that’s exactly what they were and here comes a good guy and I don’t exactly have a clue what to do about it.. and because I’m so clueless guess what I end up doing? Pushing him away.

“You’re such a hypocrite.” Those were the words of my best friend, Summer, that was ringing in my ears. If anyone knew how to show me tough love, it was her.

“You’ve always been this hopeless romantic girl who secretly cries while watching sappy movies. You read in between the lines of all the love songs you hear and you root for cute couples to last. You want to love and you’re waiting for the right guy. You’ve loved too many assholes that you can’t even tell when you’ve got a good guy staring at you in the face. This guy loves you Belle. I can tell he does..but you have to let him do just that. You have to allow him to. You can’t push everyone away just because you know he can hurt you. I know you say you’re fine being alone and I believe you but I don’t believe you don’t want to be loved. You do. Deep down you know it and I know it. You’re just in denial. Being scared won’t get you anywhere. Do you really think pushing him away won’t hurt you? Well, it won’t. One day you’ll look back on this day and wonder what could have been and what might have been and I promise you, you will regret not giving this a chance. You’re ending something that hasn’t even begun yet. No one can promise you it will work but if you don’t try then you will never find out. You’re a strong girl. You always were and being scared like this is so unlike you. You are the one who always tells me to risk it all well hunny, it’s your time to risk it all. If it doesn’t work out then I’ll be the first to knock on your door with a tub of ice cream, an extra large pizza and a six-pack  and if it does work..well, I’ll be the first to be happy for you because you deserve it. Besides, if h hurts you I am going to hunt that motherfucker down and kick his nuts!”

Ofcourse Summer was right. She always was and she always knew what I needed to hear and what I needed to do. I’ve just been too stubborn to admit it.

I used to be so optimistic and if this happened  a few years ago I think I would have been braver to take the chance. I probably would have taken the leap a long time ago without hesitation but so much has changed. I changed that I don’t know what to do anymore. This great guy deserved more. More than what I think I can give him. He knows how twisted and messed up I am but he is still sticking around promising to there for me when I need him. He’s a great guy but if he still wants to be with me after everything then he must be as twisted as I am. Lucky me.

I picked up my phone and searched for his name. “I think I should call him”, I told myself but all I could do was stare at his contact photo and smile. He really was something else. If he was a twisted guy who wanted to join in on my messy life then who am I to stop him? He’s a grown man. He can make his own choices. Why the hell am I making it for him by cutting him off?

Making that phone call would change everything. At least to me, it will. It means I’m going to open up and let him. To let him try to be there for me like he says he will. It means I am going to allow myself to feel things that may end up hurting me in the end. It means I’m giving him a chance. It means I’m allowing myself to test the waters. It means I’m allowing the universe to work whether it’s for the best or the worse. It means I am risking it all and not caring what the outcome will be. It means I am hella scared but I’m going to take the leap anyway.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and dialed his number.

He answered on the 3^rd ring “Hello Belle?”

He sounded worried.

I said, “Yes, Hello”

We were both silent. Tears started to roll down my cheeks for the second time that day but this time I had a smile to go along with it.

The Girl in Purple Stilettos (Part 2)

"That's right. That's what I said but that was before." and I flashed her the most suave smile I could manage.

She laughed then said "Don't you find it interesting that two strangers meet in a bar, spill their hearts out and don't exchange names? There's something about the anonymity that turns this simple experience an adventure, don't you think? Besides, who knows maybe we'll bump into each other a few years from now."

"Like serendipity?"

"Exactly. Please tell me you've seen the movie."

"I don't know if i should be proud to admit but yes, I have seen the movie."

She laughed again. Wow, I'm getting better at this by the minute.

I continued, "So what now? Do you want me to write my name and number on a dollar bill and we go find a book where you could write yours?"

She smiled and said, "Well no, of course not. I won't want you to take years to find me."

It's my turn to smile. She likes me. I know it.

"How about we exchange names but not our first names. We give our nicknames that may or may not be a shortcut version of our real names and from there let's just hope we bump into each other again in the future."

"But how am i going to find you with a nickname?"

"That's the beauty of it. You can't..But if its meant to be. It'll happen. Serendipity remember?"

"Uhmmm..I guess." I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

"Hi, I'm Belle nice to meet you." and she stretched out her hand for me to shake

I took her hand and said, "I'm Les and the pleasure is all mine, Belle."

Her hand was so soft. It was like holding a silk-covered pillow.

"So..how about that phone number?"

"What are you going to do with my number if I give it to you?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Well for starters, I'm going to rub my friends' faces in it and enjoy my free drinks tonight and secondly I'm going to call you and ask you out on a real date."

"Wow, smooth talker. So how can you still be single with lines like that?"

"Well, that my friend, is a story for another night. On our date, perhaps?"

"You never give up, do you?"

"Never..Especially if there's a lot at stake."

She laughed AGAIN and said "How about this, I give you my number but one of the digits will be wrong and I won't tell you which one. In that way, you win your bet and you're one step closer to finding me." Then she smiled.

"You're not going to make this easy for me, huh?"

"Nope.", then she shakes her head without removing that smile on her face.

"Alright then. You win but I'm also going to give you a clue to finding me too. Just to be fair, you know?"

"Ok sounds fair. So what's the clue? Don't make it too easy, ok?"

"I have an Alaskan Malamute."

"What is an Alaskan Mala-what?"

"Alaskan Malamute. It's for you to find out."

"Alright then. Alaskan Mala.."

"Mute."

"Yes, Alaskan Malamute."

"Yes. That's correct. So just to be clear, if either one of us finds each other that means we're going out on a date."

"Uh huh and we're using that money you saved on your drinks tonight"

Now it's my turn to laugh.

"So hey Les, it has been quite refreshing to talk to you tonight but its getting late and I really have to get home."

I didn't really see that coming so soon and all I could say was "already?"

"Yes. I don't really like going home alone so late at night."

"Hey, I can always take you home" I offered,

"That's sweet but I'll be fine. I should really go. I hope to see you one day though. I'm counting on the serendipity gods to make that happen"

And with those words she turned her back and I was left with the clunk sound of her purple stilettos and a newfound belief in the serendipity gods and the hope that one day I would see her again.



To be continued..

The Girl In Purple Stilettos

It's been a few weeks since that night at the bar but I still can't seem to get her off my mind.


It was just like any other friday. I woke up at 6am with a better mood than usual thinking the weekend was about to start in a few hours. I took a shower and had eggs and bacon for breakfast. I got to the office and was greeted by my officemates with a few inappropriate jokes and shortly after, work began. It was a friday so matter how much work I had I knew it was all going to end at 6pm.

The day went by in a blur and at around 5:30pm the texts started coming in. One from Trey who wanted to go out clubbin, he just broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years and he needed the distraction. Charles wanted to check out that new bar by the strip, he heard that's where all the girls hangout now and he wanted to know if there was any truth in the rumors. Jon wanted to go to our favorite steak place to have dinner, he just recently got a girlfriend and was on his best behavior in the hopes of remaining taken for more than 2 weeks. After about a few minutes of arguing through text we all decided to do what everyone wants. We were gonna have steak for dinner, drinks at the new bar and party at the club after.

I went straight home after work to get ready for a boys' night out with my friends. I wasn't expecting too much because no matter what happens I knew hangin' out with the guys would always be something to laugh about. I thought about my friends for awhile and realized how different we all were. Trey was the good guy. He was the one everyone came to when it comes to life advice. Charles was the joker. He was the one everyone came to when they needed to be cheered up. Jon was the player. He was the one who knew the most about girls or at least that's what he says although he might be turning a new leaf with this new girl of his. He says she might be the one.

(The one? What does that even mean?)

Then there's me. I would like to think I'm a mix of all those three idiots or at least their good sides. For some reason when it came to relationship advice they always came to me saying I gave the best ones. It's quite flattering, to be honest, but I wish I could say it was true but for some reason I can't seem to give myself some useful ones.

I'm the eldest of 4 and I have 3 beautiful and kind sisters. We were raised in the suburbs with the most amazing parents any kid could ask for. I moved to the city to go to the university and I decided to work here after finishing my degree. I've been single for about to 2 years after breaking up with a girlfriend I had for 3 years. I've been dating since then but I just never found someone that made me hear the click. The click-like sound that you hear when two pieces fit together. It gets a little lonely sometimes but with practice I've learned to get by besides, I don't know if I can forgive myself again if I mess up for the second time. My friends said I've been too hard on myself but I just can't help it especially if you've had something great and you let it slip away just like that.

At 830pm we were all on the restaurant with pounds of steak in our midst and by 10pm we were ready to have our first round of beer. The bar was quite promising and the legends were true. There were a lot of hot girls. It was every guy's definition of entertaining to just watch them in all their beauty.

There was one who stood out, though. A girl in a sexy black dress that showed off her long legs that was sitting at the bar by herself. In the middle of pouring our hearts out about sports, hot chicks we liked, sports and hot chicks who ditched us, I would spend a second or two longer looking at her direction to just watch her. I didn't want my friends to know because I knew exactly what they would do and I wasn't really in the mood to play games that night.

After about 3 rounds of beer I went to the restroom and when I came back that's when it all began. My so-called friends had connived into something that anyone would call a ridiculous idea.

Charles: "Hey man, did you see that girl at the bar?"

"What girl?", I said.

Jon: "Dude, that girl you've been staring at for the last hour. The one with the black dress and killer legs."

"What are you talking about?" Shit. Was it that obvious?

Trey: "It's a friday night and you have a hot girl by herself in a bar. She's asking for it man."

Charles: "Yeah man, You gotta give it to her."

"Fuck you, Charles"

Jon: "Dude, I'd do it but you know I'm a changed man."

Charles: "Alright here's the deal. You go up to her and get her number and we'll take care of the bill."

Trey: "Heyyy, there's nothing like free beer on a friday night"

He did have a point. The only thing better than beer on a friday night is FREE beer on a friday night. Plus once intoxicated, any bastard would do anything for free drinks.

"Fuck it. What the hell. I'll do it."

As I start making my way to the bar, the people I call my friends started snickering. Little did I know, Charles had already approached this girl while I was in the restroom and she harshly blew him off. 

Once I got closer, I realized how short her dress really was and how it showed off her smooth and perfect legs. Her legs were crossed and they were resting on the foot rest on her stool. That's when I noticed the shoes she had on. They were purple stilettos.

As I was approaching her, she turned her head and gave me a glaring look with one raised eyebrow before downing her cosmo. She look pissed and beautiful. Beautifully pissed, if there's even a thing.

She was something else from afar but she was even more glorious up close.

Shit, was I in over my head with this one.

"Hi" was all I came up with and it was all I had time to say before she cut me off.

"What the fuck? Seriously? You come here AFTER I blow your friend off? Did you think I didn't like his sorry ass and wanted yours instead? Look, will you just fuck off and leave me to drink in peace or would you rather have me call the bouncers?"

While she was shooting away at me the first thing I thought was "Shit, this girl can roar!" and the second was "Damn, she's even sexier as hell when she's furious".

When she finally stopped talking I asked her, "Are you done? Will you please let me explain before you call the bouncers?"

I stood there for a good 2 minutes before she said, "What are you still doing here? Piss off already."

The alcohol I had, started to sink in and I was starting to get a little bold.

"Listen, I know you're pissed off and you want nothing else but to kick my ass along with my friends' but I don't want you to sit all alone in a bar and forever think of me and friends as douche bags. So please calm down and listen to me for a second and I will leave you alone in peace with your drink and no one will bother you for the rest of the night. I promise, aight?"


I promise. Those two words work everytime. To any girl.

"Fine. You have 30 seconds.", she said.

"Wait, let me get you a drink first." 

I ordered a gin and tonic for me and a cosmopolitan for her.

Then I began, "First of all, I had no idea my friend already came here and tried to hit on you. I am not some crazy idiot who would still go after a girl after his friend has been so harshly blown off. The only reason why I did come here is that my friends tricked me into getting your number and I only agreed for the hopes of getting free booze and saving a few bucks tonight. Secondly, you are obviously upset about something but please stop scaring the crap out of men and I'm begging you to not tell the bouncer to hit me. I'm already too damaged and broken as it is."

As I was saying that last sentence I was trying to make that puss in boots begging face that women seemed to like hoping it would help. They say its irresistible so I thought it was worth a shot. 

She laughed. It worked. I'm not exactly sure why but it did.

"Really? You find a man's admission of weakness funny?" That was it. She was in the bag. She had no way out now. 

I took the chance and took the seat next to her.

"Ok fine, Your friends wanted to have a little fun but why did it have to be on me?"

"Seriously? You don't know? You're a gorgeous woman alone in a bar on a friday night. You're like a flame to the moths the world call men. You can look around and see all the guys who I'm sure are wondering what the hell I could have said that made you laugh."

She looked around and blushed.

We sat there for a few awkward minutes before I bluntly asked, "So tell me, what are you upset about?"

"Don't you think that's a little personal? Besides, why do you care?"

"That's the whole point, don't you see. What ever it is that is making you upset you could always tell people you know about it if you wanted to but instead you're in a bar by yourself. Maybe it's not a friend you need but a stranger. I am no life expert but, hey you never know. Maybe I can help."

She was silent again before she finally said, "Alright I'll tell you but with a condition."

"What is it?"

"We will remain strangers like you said. No names. No contact details. No connection even after I tell you everything."

Damn, this girl was smart. "Alright, deal"

She told me everything and after that her mood changed. Her mood seemed lighter and she smiled more. When I thought she was sexy when she was mad was nothing to how beautiful she was when she smiled. I could only imagine how she looked when she was really happy.

"What did I tell you? You feel better or what?"

"I hate to admit it but you're right. I do feel a lot better. Thanks" Then smiled.

I couldn't help it. "Are you sure you don't want to tell me your name?"

"You were the one who said something about being strangers."

(To be continued..)

Keep The Faith And Keep Going. I Will Meet You There, I Promise.

My dear sweetheart,

I got your message today and i couldn't help being frustrated. My sole purpose in life is to be with you and make your life easier and happier so we could both do great things together but instead im here and you're there. I don't believe the distance is an issue because you were never the damsel in distress. You could always take care of yourself. One of the things i loved about you.. But its the reassurance, the reminder that i could have given you that you're never alone because i am also always just here thinking about you too.. Worrying and hoping you are doing fine in my absence.

I know it's not easy being apart. I would know because it hasn't been easy for me too. I so desperately want to see that smile on your face when im down because i know it is enough to put a smile on mine too.. But i am more desperate to see you when you are down because that is when i know you need me most. But we are where we are for a reason and we will have to live with the way things are for now. 

I am doing well my sweetheart, i hope you never think that im not. I do not want you to worry about how im doing because that is my job, to worry about you. I know being apart isn't easy but know that I will be strong for both of us in times when you cannot be. I also do not want you to think that I am ever not happy hearing from you whether it may be happy stories or otherwise. You will forever be one of my favorite reasons to smile may it be through a message or just knowing there is a you existing in this world for me to call mine. 

Things are shit, you say, but please don't lose faith, sweetheart, that things will not always be like this and that it really will get better and that one day we will be together. We will go to paradise like we both want to and I will show you the world like you always wanted. We will do great things. All these things we are experiencing now including the loneliness, separation and pain are all just tools for us to become mature, so when we are finally together we will appreciate the world and each other more. These things will mold us to grow into better people not just for each other but for ourselves as well. 
Keep the faith and keep going. I will meet you there, i promise.

Before i go, i am going to need a little favor from you which i insist you do. I need you to smile. Smile even if it hurts. Smile even if its difficult. Smile for me. Smile for us. It is a selfish request but i am very comforted in the thought that although you are not feeling your best I can still make you smile. 



over-the-moon-with-happiness-to-hear-from-you,

-Stranger




P.s.

I won't be long now, sweetheart. Know that I am on my way and that I am not lost. How can I be, when your light shines so bright that no matter how far apart we may be I can always see it from where I'm at, just like a northern star in the dark of the night.

Everything Is Shit Except You, Love..

Hey stranger,

I hope this message gets to you at a good time. I wouldn't want you to be annoyed of my constant reminder of how much I am longing for you. I try not to overdo it but today is just one of those days when i can't help it.

Bad days always get me down even when i try not to let them and there are just times when its worse than most. Like today. I just couldn't catch a break and things just didn't go my way. The details aren't important but what's important is that i wish you were here.

I wish you were here to hold my hand and give me a hug. I wish you were here to hold me close and whisper in my ear that everything will be ok.  I wish you were here to tell me that I had you, no matter how shitty things get. I wish you were here to remind me that I always had a silver lining in you.

As I write this, I listen to Chris Martin on repeat talking about paradise and it makes me think of how much i would want nothing more right now, than for you and I to be in paradise. In a beach on some island where no one else knows who we are. We would love the anonymity and the acting like tourists exploring all there is to explore. But the thing i would love most is the lying in the sand at night listening to the waves while staring at the stars and making out constellations only we will understand.

Oh dreams.. if only we can snap our fingers and jump into that bubble of our imagination.

I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable. I know you hate not being here for me when i need you. But i just needed you to know. I needed you to know how you can turn anything around for me. How my bad days won't be as bad because i have you.

I can't say for sure that I am worthy of such a thing from you. The care. The adoration. The love. The loyalty. I've messed up so much in the past that sometimes I don't even know what i could have done to deserve someone as amazing as you.

You're the lucky one, you would insist but that statement only sparks an argument between us because I would tell you that I was luckier. It was one of the stupid fights we would always have and you would always let me win but your smile would always give you away. The smile that tells me that you only conceded to make me happy even if you thought you were right and i was wrong. You were always sweet like that.

Anyway, I think I should go.. there is so much more to tell you but i'll leave it for another day. You have a life without me to live for now and we will have lifetimes to talk about other things. But before i bid farewell i want you to know that I think about you always. always. And I cannot wait for you to finally be here so i have someone to talk to instead of to write for. I wish you could come sooner but i know you will arrive at the right time and by then i will have forgotten how long i waited.

Even though you are merely an idea right now..you are what i'm holding on to, to get by because everything is shit except you, love..

Patiently waiting with lots of hugs and kisses,

-Me

P.s.

Writing you all this is enough to make me feel a little better. I think I'll have a good sleep tonight and hopefully i dream of you! <3

My Secret Little Happy Place

I've always loved to write but I never thought of myself as a writer. I think there are more capable people who deserved that honor. People who really know me would say I talk a lot and I say what's on my mind but when it comes to expressing what I want to say, nothing beats writing it all down. There's a different kind of freedom in writing. Less distractions. More Time. Less interruptions. More Liberty. It's just you and a piece of paper (but in my case it's just me and the screen).

You get to say what you want whenever you want and nobody is there to butt in on your conversation. The freedom allows you to tell the truth without  holding back and if you've ever tried writing that way, you will know what I mean when I say it can give you a sense of liberation. When you open up both your heart and mind and accept and understand your feelings and thoughts and you are able to write them down in its raw form is one of the most honest things anyone can do.

As much as i feel there are so many perks in writing, i stopped writing a long time ago. I went through some really dark stuff in the past and writing them down requires me to be honest with myself and at that time I just couldn't do it or maybe I just didn't want to be. So I avoided writing as much as I could and kept the thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart where no one could touch them, not even me..

All this until you came along..

You bring back so many things from the past and you bring with you so many hopes of the future. You're a mix of things I wasn't expecting to get (maybe ever). Unknowingly, you forced me to deal with things I didn't want to deal with and you planted enough curiosity for me to not stay away. You are the perfect concoction of good and bad for me to finally open up the doors to that part of my heart and mind that I have locked up for so long.

This is not a confession and and a tell-all book of my past. I don't think its as important as the here and now. Besides, I don't want to bore you with the drama and comedies of what has already been done. I do though, want to share something about my exciting action-filled present (and maybe even future).

It's very simple. It's very simple but very profound. It depends on how you want to look at it.

It is this.

You inspire me.

You inspired me to pick up a pen and paper again and let it all out (more like pick up a laptop).

Today, my life just seems to be all over the place. To describe the mess that it is as complicated would not be nearly enough to begin with but I've learned to get by. To just take things one day at a time and sometimes take things an hour at a time..But then there's you.

 You're like this little bubble outside my world that reminds me of the good things in life. You're my secret little happy place that no one knows about. My temporary refuge when things just become too difficult to handle.

I didn't know if it was a good idea if i should tell you but i figured making someone happy is never a bad thing. I thought that if you knew you made me smile you would be inspired too to make others smile. The problem was I didn't know how to say it. I didn't want to say the wrong words because it might lead for things to change and after a lot of thought I realized the best way to do it was to write it down.

I can't say for sure how long this kind of relationship will last. It can be until today, tonight, tomorrow, next week or next month but I just want to say that I'm happy and grateful it happened. To be inspired by somebody you barely know isn't exactly something that happens everyday. To have a silver lining on your dark cloud is always a cause for celebration. When you find someone that gives you a little more reason to hope in tomorrow is someone you should tell "thank you" to.

So, thank you for being all that to me.

For inspiring to start writing again. For forcing me to be honest. For being a constant reminder that no matter the situation, there is always something to be happy about. For being the smile on my worst days. For just being the you that you are to me.

It's crazy beautiful how all these you do without even knowing it..